One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
