i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
