Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
