Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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