worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think pants incapable of making pants work
not ubering you a puppy
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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