you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
