Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
