I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
