we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
