I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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