ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
