If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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