Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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