Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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