normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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