two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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