if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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