The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
