Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
