Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
