I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
