Where are you?
In a non slutty way
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
