I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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