I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We have so much sex to catch up on
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
