oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
