Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Never joke about your clitoris.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
