Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
