The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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