Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
