checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
