no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
