Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
