and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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