did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
