The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize