I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
