it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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