I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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