I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
