i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
