Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize