I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
