I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
