Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
