Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Ladies don't puke and tell
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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