You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
