Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
