Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
