i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
