Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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