Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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