im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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