I wish I could teleport
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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