The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
