Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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