I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize