I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
