Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize