we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I was not drunk enough for that final.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
