im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Omg I joined a choir last night...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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