when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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