Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
