my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize