I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
